Things Clubbing Taught Me

Because what education is complete without loud music, sweaty guys and sitting in the gutter?

"Yes that's right, WWII did end in 1945... Now let me drop the bass."
“Yes that’s right, WWII did end in 1945… Now, let me drop the bass.”

1. You Will Never Go Out in Nice Weather
No, what actually happens is that you find yourself going out in the peak of summer or the depth of winter. When it’s hot out it’s boiling inside a venue but never fear, some clubs have giant fans that you can dance in front of – cooling and makes you feel like you’re in a music video. Besides, sweat gives you that lovely dewy look, doesn’t it?
When it’s so cold out that you can see the frost settling in, never fear because your friends will absolutely want to go outside every fifteen minutes for a cigarette. Yay! You will also learn that despite the ice wind, there is always one group of girls wearing skimpy dresses without tights or jackets who are holding themselves in a queue somewhere. If you don’t see these girls, something has glitched in the matrix and you should run.

2. Hot Food Places Are Essential
There is simply no other way to end a night out than to get something hot and junky. Towns are simply not equipped for their clubs if there is not some kind of slightly-dodgy-but-God-so-appealing-after-10-drinks chip places.

Ohhh yeahhhh look at those....take away boxes
Ohhh yeahhhh look at those….take away boxes

3. Girls Aren’t Nice
Something about getting dressed up, drinking, the presence of many men and loud music will turn some girls into nightmare barbie bitches. I once had a drink thrown down my back because… Well, I don’t actually know, I turned around to stare into a mass of teased hair and fake tan only to realise I had never seen this lass before that moment. She was very angry though with her hand clamped firmly around the shoulders of her fella, I guess the fact that I also had a vagina meant I was threatening to make the flirty eyes at him. Little did she know I’d just made a fool of myself by asking if the bartender had a girlfriend; no idea who her man was.

4. Boys Also Aren’t Nice. Okay, look, nobody is all that nice when you go out to clubs.
I once had a guy bump into me (all 5 foot 1, female me) and then attempt to start a fight with me for the incident. I’ve also been shoved and kicked on the dancefloor because groups of dickhead guys cannot keep their limbs in check when they get above a certain level of intoxication. Not to mention the countless guys who’ve approached ladies on the dancefloor and acted disgustingly inappropriate (we’re talking sexual assault here). We’re all aware that a lot of men’s temperaments don’t mix well with liquor.

5. People Are Great
Forget the last two points when you come across someone who is now your best friend for the night. My gosh, we both know the same dude? Friends. We’re wearing the same shoes? Friends. We’re allied against the creep who’s committing creep attacks on the dancefloor? Friends. You’re feeling horribly sick all of a sudden and are waiting on a street corner to be picked up and someone has agreed to sit with you and keep you company until you’re safe? Friends. Though… be careful who you do the last one with. Always sit in a crowded area under a light. You protect a guy from being bashed by two bogans who’ve just pulled up in a beat up commodore? Spirit pals forever.

This is 100% accurate of all nightclub friendships. 100%.
This is 100% accurate of all nightclub friendships. 100%.

6. Sometimes Your Friends… Don’t Be Great
There are many temptations out there and though you’ve made a pact to stick together in the wilderness that is the nightclub scene, a waft of illegal substances or a hot man’s cologne can lead a mate astray. But it’s all okay if you’ve made a stranger pal, or can get home okay. Who am I to stand in the way of you and hot-guy-from-the-bar’s path to his bedroom? I’ll exit with a wink and take my own cab home.

7. Don’t Go to The Wrong Place
One time, I accidentally went to metal night at the local night spot. As someone who enjoys some metal bands, I did not quite enjoy metal night… It was ah, interesting. This is a lesson just for myself – I complain about loud music as it is and don’t understand metal dudes at the best of times. Basically, make sure you know you aren’t going to a place that you’ll hate. If you like dance music and ecstasy, don’t go to a jazz bar.

8. Stay Out Until 4am At Least Once
You’ll enjoy it.


3 thoughts on “Things Clubbing Taught Me

  1. I like the blog look today, Jess.
    Yep, I’m nodding while reading every single one of your points. Been there, done that, lived to tell the tale. 🙂

  2. Great guide!

    “despite the ice wind, there is always one group of girls wearing skimpy dresses without tights or jackets who are holding themselves in a queue somewhere. If you don’t see these girls, something has glitched in the matrix and you should run.”

    I LOL’d at this. So true!

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