I’m Sorry, Are You a Zombie?

Picture this: you walk into one of your favourite restaurants with your loved one, eager to try something new but knowing you’ll probably stick with your favourite, excited none-the-less. You don’t eat out that often, and this place has really good so-and-so. You pick a table that looks good and hang your jacket over the back of the seat, feeling comfortable. “What are you going to have?” You ask your fellow diner, thoroughly enjoying all aspects of the eating routine. It’s a good night because you two are happy and are chatting about something interesting and love is only ever helped by good food. Suddenly, your waitress appears at your side holding menus. “Here you are…” she says, placing one in front of you. Looking up into her face to say ‘thank-you’ you realise something odd. Her benign smile playing out over puffy, red lips is stretching kinda pleasantly but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes. Her eyes aren’t twinkling or shining or even reflecting light, it’s an emotionless smile and that’s when it hits you.

Your waitress is a zombie.

Well at least she has her cleavage showing, that's fun.
Well at least she has her cleavage showing, that’s fun.

In reality, your waitress isn’t actually a zombie but an alive human being, you think. No, she’s just suffering from something called ‘Dead Eyes’.

Dead Eyes 

Dead Eyes

Dead Eyes 

Dead Eyes 

Dead Eyes

Dead Eyes

Dead Eyes

I tried to arrange the ‘dead eyes’ into a Z to represent zombie but I failed. Unable to admit failure, I kept them in anyway.
Dead eyes is a peculiar ailment that I’m pretty sure affects serial killers, sociopaths and people who have suffered such violent trauma that they are now a danger to society because the humanity has been drained from them. People who you don’t really want to know since they seem like contenders for little things like murder.

I tried to google dead eyes but google kind of just turned up images of you know, dead eyes. So have this guy instead. Creepy, but not as creepy as humans with dead eyes.
I tried to google dead eyes but google kind of just turned up images of you know, dead eyes. So have this guy instead. Creepy, but not as creepy as humans with dead eyes.

I cannot trust people with dead eyes because it seems like these people (or should I say, ‘people’ *cough*) don’t have any emotions or thoughts going on in their heads besides tossing up whether or not I’d taste nicer roasted or sauteed. I need to see a little humanity going on behind the scenes, let me connect to my fellow man not ponder his sanity. People with dead eyes seem to love to hold eye contact with you for just that little bit too long, but you can’t look away from the bottomless pits of their face lookers – you just stare uncomfortably with sweat pooling and throat dry until they inanely smile and look away. I say ‘people’ because I am 1/10th convinced that they are robots or aliens. If I disappear after this post, you’ll know it’s because they’ve caught me finding out their secret about being robot aliens.

Dead Eyes is a cousin of ‘Crazy Eyes’ which also belong to people who you don’t really want to know. Who needs the drama of having your crazy eyed ex-girlfriend chopping up your childhood tree-house at your mother’s house? Who needs a dead eyed person chopping you up in their underground slaughter bunker? I say steer-clear of people with eyes that are incapable of showing consciousness, you know what I mean?

Tonight, I think I’ll order food from one of my favourite restaurants as to go instead of eating in, I don’t want to run into that zombie waitress again…


6 thoughts on “I’m Sorry, Are You a Zombie?

  1. […] Remember when I asked, where’s the virginity? Remember my favourite old thing? Remember when I posted a selfie? Remember when I was published? Remember how I write books inside my head? Remember when I submit fiction? Remember the zombies? […]

  2. This post cracked me up, but it’s also on point! I worked in mental health for 8 years and often saw ‘dead eyes’. I would try to explain it to others, but they’d look at my like I was crazy. Thanks for explaining it better than I ever could.

    PS – I can totally see the Z. Not a failure 🙂

  3. It’s rather unsettling to come across someone with dead eyes. I get caught up in wondering if they have seen so much pain that it killed their eyes or are they a sociopath? I just want to run screaming away.

  4. Crazy eyes are cool, or my favorite. Crazy eye. When one is wandering, but the other is completely focused on you. And then you don’t know where to focus. Aaahhhhh.

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