Fear Kills Life

Apparently, if you come face-to-face with something you fear then you’ll find that the scary thing isn’t actually that scary at all, and you’ll be brave, move on from it and be practically cured of that fear.

This is not true.

For weeks now I’ve been petrified of finding a spider in my drink. I don’t know where this fear has come from exactly (probably because my mum always made me change the cat’s water outside and there would always be dirty spiders swimming in it) but I’ve just been feeling like it would happen. Today it did. I picked up a glass of water that had been sitting out for a few hours in the middle of the kitchen bench. The clean, tidy kitchen bench.

I almost drank that water. Almost. I almost put that goddamn glass to my mouth. For some reason I just felt the need to tip out the water and refill it though.

So I tipped it down the sink and noticed a large thing drop out of it. Large. Not exaggerating because I’m scared of spiders. Large.  Good riddance you bastard. Does this mean that suddenly I no longer feel burdened by this feeling that a spider was going to make its way into my drink? Nope. Am I suddenly braver having faced the very fear that has frozen me solid? Nup.

I feel worse. Why? Because now I know that it can happen. It’s a legitimate fear, it’s possible. From now on every time I pick up a drink my fear is going to double. Actually, quadrupled because I didn’t even see the spider when I picked that cup up, I only saw it fall out of the cup. The water hides them. This is something that is actually making me consider getting rid of all my possessions and living in a small room where I can see everything.

Why can't these little fellas hop into my house instead?
Why can’t these little fellas hop into my house instead?

I fear being robbed. I have been robbed before. ….Twice. People wonder why I am so anxious about leaving my house, and worrying about my home when I’m not there. It’s because I know how brazen thieves are. I was first robbed during the day while I was home with the door open listening to music, the second time at night while our lights were still on. Thieves are the worst pieces of people because they invade your safety, your peace of mind, your home. 

This was exactly what he looked like. He stole my colouring pencils.
This was exactly what he looked like.

The thing is though… fear kills life. I don’t want to be scared, panicked, unhappy… I want to be free. How do I be free when I’m scared to take a sip of water, or worry about whether or not I locked my back door? Unfortunately, I don’t know the answer. I just know that the only way to battle against anxiety is to continue to fight the battle everyday. Everyday you fight it gets easier. I promise.

Want to know how I know? Because when I saw the spider, for the first time, I didn’t scream.


24 thoughts on “Fear Kills Life

  1. I like the way you ended this post! It is so hard, but the more you fight fears the closer you get to beating them. I beat my fear of spiders through confrontations with them. But it wasn’t once, it was a number of times. Now I tend to talk to them while I remove them from existence (or just my house, sometimes, if I’m feeling nice). I don’t love them and I’m not comfortable with them, but I don’t leap backwards across the room. And luckily the cockroaches in my house stay in the garage, where a resident lizard likes to eat them, hahaha.
    I do know how you feel about being robbed though, it’s a horrible feeling. Even if they don’t take much, it’s that invasion of privacy that makes you feel uneasy for a long time afterwards. I double check all of my windows and doors now when I leave, and have a security system in place. While to many it sounds over the top, once you’ve been robbed it suddenly seems quite a rational thing to do.
    Good on you for fighting, and for sharing this! 🙂

    1. Hmm, perhaps talking to the spiders will help me too! I talk to the needles when I get an injection and it makes it more bearable.
      It really is the invasion of privacy. I also can’t leave the house until all the windows have been checked.
      Thank you 🙂

  2. Deathly afraid of snakes. I have a recurring dream where they are falling from trees on to me as I am running barefoot through never ending darkness. When I was a kid, I loved to climb trees in Thailand. One day I was trying to climb up a mango tree as far as I could when I looked up and came face to face with a red and black one curled around a branch. The memory still gives me goosebumps. Thank goodness that in the city I don’t have to worry about snakes in my apartment. I do have cockroaches though. They scare me stiff. One time, there was one so big running around my house I went over to the neighbor lady across the hall. I asked her housekeeper if she would kindly come over and get rid of it for me. I had torn the flat apart trying to get rid of this thing, and she merely walked in, found it, and crushed it in some kleenex paper. Embarrassed? Oh yes.

    1. That actually does sound like a horrible dream, and even more horrible experience. I can just imagine being face to face with a snake *shudder* I was never scared of snakes until one day I thought about how terrifying it would be to find one in your house.
      Hahaha, what a lovely neighbour! At my dad’s town, there are huuge cockroaches too, and they run at you! They don’t run away, they’re such arseholes.

  3. I have a fear no one will enter my competition. (help me out here)
    Humor is a good tool against fear but feeling afraid isn’t funny.
    Music is a good idea as has been mentioned.

    1. Music is great, I can feel anything when listening to it.
      Haha I think I just entered it! I’m sorry I haven’t been around other people’s blogs lately, my reader has been awful. Someone else blogged about theirs being funny too (it was great that that one showed up in my reader… haha) and heaps of bloggers were agreeing. So I have been very slack with keeping up to date with everyone 😦
      I think I might catch up with all my favourites on Sunday actually, manually.

  4. God, fears suck. I’m scared of fireworks, heights and going to the doctor’s & dentist – like you said, even if you try these things the fear remains. And actually I won’t leave my bedroom window at night in case something crawls or flies in 🙂 Oh no, I’m a hopeless case!

    1. Fireworks are awful! And heights! Hahaha, I had to leave my window open the other night because it was so hot and I was paranoid the whole time about something crawling in….

  5. I sat down on the train the other morning and noticed a spider about an inch wide crawling up my shirt. I flicked it away before thinking that could have landed on someone. Ah well. It probably hitched ride with me on my bike either on the bike itself or it crawled out from my helmet. Funny, I that same morning I remember looking at the cob-web covered drain pipe near where I keep the bike at home, thinking I must clean that up one of these days…

    1. *does a girly dance, with hands flailing* Eww eww eww!!!

      I have, occasionally, just flicked things off me (and sometimes another person). However, it is always followed by something dangerously close to a panic attack. I don’t like spiders, mice, bugs, etc. That’s one of the reasons I got married. lol They’re mostly his job now, and he’s handsomely rewarded with a not at all sarcastic ‘my hero.’

      1. I should point out I’m not actually scared of them. I’d just rather not get bitten by one that could be potentially poisonous. On our train system if a passenger becomes “ill” (for example, turning all shades of blue and purple and losing consciousness after having been bitten by a deadly spider) they have a policy of waiting for an ambulance at the next scheduled stop and specifically NOT removing the ill passenger from the train until said ambulance arrives. Being the ill passenger and causing 1,000’s of people to be late for work would be really embarrassing.

        1. Wow, that would be embarrasing. lol

          I definitely get the not wanting to be bitten. Where I live we have black widows and brown recluses. There’s antitoxin for black widows. If you’re bitten by a brown recluse, though, you might as well kiss that part of you goodbye.

  6. Deathly afraid of spiders, too. I might die if I ever found one in my drink. And why do they always go to the bedroom?! I wish I can say I’m over it because I’ve had to face numerous spiders down, as I live alone, but I’m still afraid. Mostly because they move so quickly!

    1. I don’t know but I really wish they wouldn’t! I swear they’re getting faster… I spray them with hairspray so they can’t move then whack them. I can’t whack them when they move fast.

  7. Feel the fear and do it anyway – isn’t that what people say. I have my own phobias and I know from my own experience, if you just sit by and do nothing, it only makes your fear worse.

  8. At least it doesn’t actually prevent you from living your daily life. It would be bad if it stopped you from drinking water on a daily basis. Hell I have ta fear of heights; everytime I go up an elevator I start getting sweaty palms, anxiety, and nervous. When I look out a window of a tall building I start worrying about all the terrible things that could happen “oh crap what if the person who was building the area where I stood missed a bolt and it’s going to collapse?” That’s surely something out of my control. However it didn’t stop you or I from doing anything.

      1. My sweatiest dreams happen when on rooftops where I need to climb up a really high staircase or climb across a big chasm on a thin platform.

        Either way I don’t mind being on top..

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