Why I Won’t Join Your Church: Your Pamphlet Sucks

Recently, my boyfriend returned home from work with a certain pamphlet. I couldn’t help but immediately laugh at the childish looking pamphlet attempting to appeal to non-religious adults. The multi-coloured question marks and word art didn’t exactly exude ‘professional’ or ‘smart dude up-to-date with the modern world’.

The pamphlet is a test – it asks some simple questions, and if you answer yes to any of them, then guess what? Yep. You’re going to hell. But never fear! The church has a CD (free, they can’t scam you publicly) that explains exactly how good you need to be to get into heaven. Great! Thanks! …But aren’t I already going to hell now that I’ve said yes and you have taken the time to explain that God is a hardcore judge who won’t take my sins lightly? Wait.

Okay, enough joking. Time to be serious. If you’re a member of a church and you give out these kinds of pamphlets in an attempt to attract new-comers, here are some reasons why they may not work.

  • Don’t use the sort of layout / font / colour / pictures that a child would pick. It just doesn’t send the message that you’re mature, smart, computer-savvy (as in, up to date with the modern world and thus able to learn new things and in touch with today’s society) or serious. You look like you had silly fun matching the colours and choosing a ‘zany’ header font.

  • Don’t insult me. Oh, I see! I’m a lying, thieving, blasphemous, adulterer-at-heart now I answered yes to those questions? Thanks… Sounds like you guys are going to be really open-minded, accepting, reasonable people who I’d love to hang out with.
  • Don’t pick questions for your ‘good’ test that almost everybody will answer yes to. “Have you ever lied?” Um, no. “Have you ever stolen anything?” I never, ever took candy from my mum’s purse, uh-uh. “Have you ever used God’s Holy name as a filth word to express disgust?” Jesus Christ, man, quit judging me!
  • Don’t offer answers through products. Shouldn’t we be coming to a service to become good people, not taking material things from you? I don’t need a CD outlining the reasons evolution is fake.
  • Don’t poke fun at other beliefs right there in print. Your insistence that evolution is ‘stupid’ makes you look bratty and petty. It makes anybody reading who thought evolution seemed an alright theory feel stupid themselves.
  • There is no need to use more than 1 exclamation point. It makes you seem a bit ‘full-on’. Calm down!!
  • Just, look, don’t say shit like ‘dinosaurs and man coexisted’ straight away. Just don’t.
  • Don’t say ‘the truth will set you free’ then contradict yourself by saying that really, to find out about our own Salvation we have to actually come to the church and accept your DVDs and CD’s.

Actually, perhaps it is a good idea for the pamphlets to be created in the light of the maker. If the person making the pamphlet chooses childish colours, is unprofessional in the wording and pokes fun at others through insults, then maybe they should keep it this way. I’d hate to read a pamphlet that looks and sounds wonderful, mature and intelligent only to get there and realise it was a sham made by arseholes who want to tell me I’m going to hell.

If you’re a member of a church, please don’t be offended. I’m just trying to say that if you’re guilty of a similar pamphlet, you haven’t made a very good impression. Sometimes I think to myself, “hey, maybe there IS a God, and heaven….” But then I receive something dark, insulting, immature and plain dumb that claims “we have the answers, not them, us” and all I can do is laugh and say “okay, nah they really are just bullshitting” as I toss the WordArt-ed pamphlet into the trash.
I bet that’s a sin, too.

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39 thoughts on “Why I Won’t Join Your Church: Your Pamphlet Sucks

  1. Hey Jess. I really liked your assessment on Church pamphlets. I totally agree. Churches, mine included, myself included, suck at showing God’s love because we’re all wrapped up in loving ourselves. As a result of our religious righteousness (which is totally anti-Jesus and anti-biblical), we do judge others and fall into hypocrisy. There is a God and there is a heaven and most Christians are doing a lousy job showing the world what He’s really like! Thanks for being real, Jess! You are kicking us in the ass, and we justly deserve it!!

    1. Thank you for taking this post so nicely! I certainly don’t begrudge all Christians and churches, I’ve just seen some doozy pamphlets haha. I’ve been trying for a long time now to be as non-judgmental about the people I meet and know as possible. And you sound like you’re on the right path, the saying about you catch more bees with honey than vinegar is very true.
      Thank you!

  2. My brother and I are both atheists. He works as a bagger/carryout at an Air Force Base Commissary and is paid only in tips. People are usually pretty generous, but one day he came home and showed us that he got some religious pamphlets from somebody instead of a tip. It had something about weather and how they don’t know how rain works so it must be God, even though a 10 year old kid could easily understand what causes rain. I forget the exact wording, but I know I laughed my ass off. I’ll have to see if he still has it.

  3. lol…this so reminds me of my experience of being told I’m the antichrist and going to hell, basically for leaving the church.

    The funny thing is that after awhile you realize that this kind of takes a lot of pressure off…one way or another I’m still the person, and just trying to be a decent human being.

    And by the way, unless you capitalize the word ‘antichrist’, Google treats it as a spelling error! 🙂

    1. Oh my gosh haha ‘the antichrist’ is a bit strong haha. Being a decent human being is separate from being one of God’s people I think. You don’t need a religion to be decent.

      Haha well, it IS a very important noun!

  4. Great post!
    Saw a quote today: “There’s only one problem with religions that have all the answers. They don’t allow questions.”
    So true, except I think there is more than just one problem…

    1. Ahh what a good quote. Questions are key to understanding and discovery, but I guess religion is based on faith, where you believe regardless of answers to questions. Haha perhaps there is more than one, I can think of a few…

  5. And here I thought I was going to hell in a handbasket! I have been redeemed because I use the same font choices as church salesmen do!

    My favorite church pamphlets are the ones I find laying around at store I work at that from the outside look like folded up $20 bills, which were obviously purposely left on the floor by whoever distribute them. If that isn’t the most underhanded way to get people to look at your literature, I don’t know what is. Great post, BTW!

    1. Yay for using God’s favourite font!
      Ooh, that sounds a bit sly and dishonest doesn’t it? Tricking people into picking up your pamphlet? hmm. Then again, religious people often disregard their religious teachings in the name of their religion. Makes a lot of sense.

      Thank you very much!

  6. What about the free Watch tower magazines? Did you know there is a Mormon stage play? I think its by the men who made South Park. Which means I have to see it.

    And some “students” knocked on my door. When I asked what they wanted, they said to talk about the lord. I told them to go away.

    1. I do love South Park’s opinions on religions.

      I’ve never had a door knocker wanting to talk about Jesus! I’d like to think I’d do the Bernard Black response (have you seen Black Books?) which would make the door knocker say “It’s a trap!” and flee.

    1. Yep, don’t get too free in your thinking or else no heaven for you! That’s why God gave us brains like sheep, see. Oh no wait, He didn’t… God gave us free will and thought as a test to see how much we can suppress it to reach heaven. Makes sense.

      I actually want one of those CD’s, they’re free and promise 100 ways to prove evolution wrong. I’d love to hear those ways.

  7. How could you not take this seriously? How could you laugh at it? You’ve committed the UNFORGIVEABLE SIN and you’re going to HELL!!!

    Thanks for giving this ex-bornie some light relief 😉

      1. Are you an ex-bornie too, then? I’ll never really stop fearing Hell.

        Otoh, I get more satisfaction from particular swear-words (the blasphemous ones) than normal people get. I save blasphemy for the rare times when I really do want to swear.

  8. My grand-father and great-grandfather were ministers, so I grew up in a church every time the doors opened. However, I just don’t go anymore cuz I kept seeing so many hypocritical people there who judged me & my kids cuz we couldn’t afford Polo or whatever the popular name brand was at the time. I could care less about materialistic things, I was going for the message. I personally feel all those flyers are stupid and a flyer isn’t going to get my interest… if anything, it will make me run the other way… LOL Good think I am a person with a very strong faith. I figure God and I can work stuff out together…. I don’t need a middle man. Just my opinion… yes, I’ve already been told I’m going “down under”…LOL

    1. I think a lot of people have a trouble with hypocrisy in their churches – or that’s how it seems to me and the people I know. Growing up at a Catholic school and attending Catholic mass I used to have trouble with being told I was a ‘sinner’ every time. Little 7 year old me would get mad at that! haha.
      That’s terrible that they were judging you! Especially over something that boils down to how much money you have. But that’s a good opinion to have – the middle man hasn’t been too great throughout history, and now that we have the freedom to question everything, we don’t fear working things out with God ourselves.
      Thanks for commenting with your opinion!

  9. As a Christian, I fully agree with you. I just think it’s RIDICULOUS that church-goers would waste their time trying to get people to come to church or believe what they believe instead of going out into the world and helping others…living and loving and, you know, not being judge-y. I’m pretty sure people know about Jesus. They get it. If you’re a church-goer and it works for you, then you can be open about it and maybe interested people will be interested. But if you think God made those trees, you shouldn’t be wasting paper.

    1. I think leading by example is the best way, too. People will always resist force, and that’s how these kinds of booklets seem – like they’re forcing you to come, or else hell!
      Love the last line you put in your comment, awesome.

      1. You know what? I change my stance…I believe a lot of people who run these so called religious church campaigns are going to hell. Ever heard of the documentary Jesus Camp? Give it watch. It’s frikkin scary. We are so getting into heaven.

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