It’s the end of an era. Kind of.
For the last 11 weeks I’ve been posting old passages from my old blog, as well as old journals, folders and assignments. It’s been fun going back and touching up old thoughts, seeing them get the attention they’ve been longing for whilst living in the dark, unseen corners of my bedroom. Well, now I’m done! There’s nothing left that’s either good enough to post or that I just want to. Thank you for reading them all, lovely followers. I enjoyed posting them for you all. Here’s the final post in this series, number 12.
Rose Among the Thorns.
“…I don’t think I should like to be like anyone else.
That said, I don’t think I should like to stand out in anyway.
Unless that way was incredibly remarkable.
I, however, am not incredibly remarkable. Every thought of mine, no matter how harrowing, is simply borrowed intelligence from long forgotten books, lessons and past affiliations. Every emotion borrowed from the imaginary world that serves to both fuel and deflect the pain of the real world.
Some people are remarkable, and, annoyingly, they seem to always be my closest friends. There’s the circus performer, the taxidermist, the writer everyone wants to read, the friend of the famous, the gorgeous one, the popular one. It’s as though these people met me, then bounced off me into an amazing life while I stayed behind, deeply lonely, wondering why people never make me their first choice.
I had wanted to go out into the world strong. Talented and confident with a pocketful of phone numbers belonging to the brightest, the coolest and the sweetest, ready to be dialed for anything. Instead, I am still the last to receive invites, the last to be told the news.
And now, a new ending to be added to this piece:
I’m changing though. These things used to bother me, deeply, painfully. I felt ugly, pointless, and invisible. Something has cleared in my mind, though, a sort of weight lifted. It’s shown me that it doesn’t matter who or what your friends are – what matters is how they treat you. And if they treat you good, good, and if they treat you bad? Fuck ’em. Finally, after years of trying not to, I finally do not care. I don’t care if I’m not invited. I don’t care if I’m not told the news. I don’t care if they never pay me attention. Because I have the few things that matter: a truly loving partner, a piece of work I’m passionate about, plans for the future and this weird thing called happiness. Happiness, that for once, is not dependent on whether my friend texts me back, happiness that does not depend on how many likes my photo gets, happiness that does not depend on comparing myself to people who would never compare themselves to me. It comes from knowing that whatever they’re doing, these other people I know, that it’s what they’re doing – and I only have to worry about what I’m doing.
I’m pretty happy to have finally realised this. (This realization began around ‘The Only Person You Should Compare Yourself to is Who You Were Yesterday) I love my friends, but I don’t need to compare myself to them any more, or let them dictate my joy, or get myself hung up on their actions towards me. Nor do I need to compare myself to the people I know, friend or not. If you’re a friend reading this, don’t take it the wrong way 😉 Read carefully, there’s no insult here.
I think I might miss doing these, aww.