The Problem With Bookstores

  • If you want to purchase erotic fiction, it’s always located on the bottom shelf. So if you want to see which novel you’d like to buy you have to either bend all the way over or kneel down, even if you’re short. Automatically the assistants now know what you’re staring hard at, and other shoppers will peer at what you’re peering at because if you’re kneeling down to see it, it must be pretty exciting. Now if the books were on an adult eye level shelf (freakishly tall children are too busy playing basketball) then when someone walks behind you you can just stretch and pretend like you were just perusing the fantasy section. When you do finally decide between “Best Female Erotica 3” and “The Spanking Mistress” there’s now the age old tested shame fest of purchasing it from a grumpy, old woman who for some reason still thinks she has to ask, “Would you like a bag?”
Filthy. Haven’t you heard of the internet?
  • All the really cool coffee-table-esque books are ridiculously over-priced, and your combined love of pretty things and books is replaced by the slightly shameful feelings of being a tight-arse. ‘Wow, a book on vintage clothing? I love all those things! Oh. $200. Well maybe this collection of Amazon animal pictures? Nope, $94. Okay. I’m poor. And I don’t even have a coffee table.’
  • You ask an assistant which book they’d recommend out of two and they always tell you “Oh I’m sorry, I’ve never actually read either of them ha-ha, probably should…” Much like retail outlet girls wear their stores’ clothes, and I had to try every sauce and dish at the Asian restaurant I worked in, yeah, you probably should be well read. I’m not saying you should have read the ENTIRE store buuut when I’m asking about a classic and you’re posing as a book lover, hmmm.
  • The classics always have a few different versions, and the one with the best cover is always at least thirty dollars more.
  • Once you reach a certain age, people start giving you judgemental looks for giggling in the health section.

    Image“Ha-ha-ha look they said ‘penis'”

  • Once you’re over a certain age people start giving you judgemental looks for checking out the kids and young adult section.
  • When they don’t have something you want on the shelf, and you ask the assistant about it, no matter how polite you are the lady will still act as if you’ve just put out her entire day, if not year.
  • The majority of the fiction books on the shelves are just trashy insults to literature professors, and finding a really good one can be hard.
  • They never let you keep the giant cardboard cut outs when they’re throwing them away. Hey, I’d be much more appreciative of the giant Game of Thrones display than the trash can. Copyright obligations schmopyright mobligations.
  • They close down all the time giving the impression that your town is full of
    illiterate, uncreative, school wagging youths who spend time doing crime instead of reading some rhyme (no? Sorry about that one) Oh no, wait, that’s just where my own town seems to be heading at the moment, whoops.

And yet, I still love book stores completely and I tend to go out of my way when shopping to visit the nearest one. Online bookstores are often the easier option for browsing and purchasing: no leaving the house, there are reviews, the prices can be cheaper especially when there’s no shipping fee, there is an endless range – the only problem is waiting for them to arrive!

I like to try to shop local in a vain attempt to stem the rate that book shops are closing here in my town. Just save the erotic fiction for online buying, (Note: I do not own any erotic fiction and would have left this post hinting that I do as a joke if it weren’t for some of the people no doubt reading this. And now I’ve kinda ruined the joke, pishh it was ruined when I started writing this, what am I saying.)

Any of your own stories about book stores and the people working in them (do they give you the judging eyes? I feel maybe I’m shopping in unfriendly places, nothing quite like Bernard Black yet though) are welcome below as comments, and until next post – buy your next book local, if for no other reason than to purchase some erotic fiction on the side to see if you can unnerve the sales person.


4 thoughts on “The Problem With Bookstores

  1. I dont know what book store’s you have been too but all the ones ive been too have the ‘adult erotica’ in a restricted section high above all the other books. Maybe the owners need to re-think the layout of the bookstore they own. Maybe you should suggest that.

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